Talking with Teenagers – How to Have the Tough Conversations

Posted on 06/02/2010 by GenZ Daddy

Sometimes teenagers aren’t given enough credit. They’re smart and, with the proper knowledge, they can make informed decisions just like any adult. The trick is having the wisdom to know when your teenager is ready to learn certain lessons.

Talking To Young Adults
Posing in the garden
Photo by Waechor

It’s easy to forget that you shouldn’t treat teenagers like children. When you eye their every move and talk down to them, you’ll eventually lose their trust. When you allow them to be themselves and, at the same time, nurture them when they need it, they’re more likely to open up to you.

One reason why conversations with teenagers can be so difficult is because it’s challenging to walk that fine line between treating them like an adult, while still exerting some parental control. It’s also tough to watch your children make mistakes that you think you could’ve prevented. The only thing you can really do is give them advice when they are open to it.

These tips may help you strike a good conversation with your teen:

* Make an extra effort to talk to them, but don’t push the issue. It’s normal for a teenager to withdraw from communication from time to time. 
* As long as you have no reason to be suspicious of them, you should respect their privacy. 
* You can wait to have certain conversations with them until they’re ready, but on the other hand, you don’t want to wait too long.

Talking About Sex

Sex is a topic that you may naturally feel awkward talking about, no matter who you’re having a conversation with. With your own teen, it can be especially tough to have an open and honest talk.

Chances are they already know a great deal about this topic. However, if they ask you questions, be honest with your answers. It’s actually better for them to be getting information from you. You’ll know that what you’re providing is accurate, and you’ll be building a lasting relationship with your teen that will grow into adulthood.

While there are certainly differing opinions on the subject, try to get your perspective across without being judgmental.

Talking About Drugs

The topic of drugs is another important one. It’s best to be educated early on this topic. Children should be taught to avoid drugs, so it’s certainly a topic you should bring up with your teenagers from time to time.

If you’re involved in your teen’s life and have no reason to believe they’d be involved with drugs, you probably have nothing to worry about. However, if your teen acts withdrawn and you don’t know their friends very well, there might be a problem.

Trust your instincts. If you think something’s up, then strive to be more involved. You may be dealing with a tough situation and, therefore, you should make the extra effort to discuss the issue with your teen.

Trusting Your Teen
It all comes down to the issue of trust. Remember that trust is a two way street. If you maintain a good level of trust with your teen, they’ll feel comfortable having conversations with you. This will hold true even if it’s one of the tougher conversations. Just make sure you remain open to your teen, and they’ll come to you for advice.

Help Your Children Develop Independence

Posted on 29/12/2009 by GenZ Daddy

When your children are young, they depend on you for their every need. Sometimes it’s difficult for you to sit back and watch them develop their own independence. It might be tough but when you allow your child to make his or her own mistakes and learn life lessons early, they’ll grow into happy and healthy adults.

The best thing you can do is to find a balance because you don’t want to allow your child too much independence too early. You want to be able to watch your child develop independence from the sidelines so you can step in when needed.

Consider these tips as you nudge your child towards an independent life:

1. Let them make choices. While you don’t want your children making all the decisions, it’s important to allow them to make certain choices from time to time. Even as young toddlers you can give them opportunities to choose and develop independence.

* Allow your children their own meal choices.
* Let them pick some family activities.
* Let them choose toys and pursue their own hobbies.
* Allow them to dress themselves as long as their choices are appropriate.

2. Work on social skills. A large part of independence is learning how to effectively communicate. Improper communication skills can hold your child back. Children of all ages can work on developing better social skills.

* Reinforce the idea of sharing with young children.
* Teach your children appropriate ways to make friends.
* Teach them how to be polite and to use good manners.

3. Life lessons. It’s always a good idea to work on life lessons. This can be done early as well. Your children don’t need you to treat them as if you’ll always be there to take care of their every need. While you should always be there for them emotionally, teach them that you won’t solve every problem for them.

* Assign age appropriate chores to your children.
* Provide them with rewards for a job well done.
* Teach your children time management and problem solving skills.

Young Children

When you create a good learning environment for your children right from the beginning, they’ll start to develop independence on their own. They’ll learn to crawl to you and walk to you.

It’s important to give them opportunities to learn on their own early on. If they attend daycare, they’ll work on these skills during the day while you’re at work. If not, it might be a good idea to attend a local playgroup so your child can get to know others their age.

During these opportunities, let them do as they please while you watch from the sidelines. Let them play and only step in when needed. If your child begins to fight with another child over a toy, step in momentarily to reinforce the idea of sharing.

Whenever your child shows positive social skills, remember it together and reward them for their good behavior.

Older Children

Older children present a different set of parenting requirements. You might be scared as they face life’s tough decisions, but in the end you need to trust that they’ll make the right choices. After all, you can’t make decisions for them, but you’ll probably realize that your kids are smarter than you think!

In these circumstances, all you can do is work to keep the lines of communication open. As your children are growing up, have the tough conversations with them and let them know that you can be relied upon for your love and support.

Trust your children, but monitor them closely if you do have suspicions of negative activities. You shouldn’t encroach on their personal space, but there are still things you can do, such as keep track of their online activities and ask them where they’re going, with whom, and when they’ll be back. Set rules and curfews to help them make good choices.

Follow these tips and you’ll be rewarded with joy and pride as your children grow into capable, confident adults.

What, Wait and Later

Posted on 21/12/2009 by GenZ Mom

I’m sure all parents find their kids adorable and are fascinated by the things they say. Remember when we were their age, we would just do what our parents asked us to do and no question would be asked. Today’s kids are so different and they are oh so smart. They always amazed us by the things they do and the words they say. In the past, if our parents asked us to go to bed, we would obediently do so. Today, if you ask your kids to go to bed and they are not willing to, you would most likely be engaged in a “words battle”. Sound all so familiar, right?

My “battle” is not just with my 9 years old son but also my 2½ years old girl. I realized that the 3 words that she commonly used nowadays are “What”, “Wait” and “Later”.

If I am talking to her elder brother or her daddy, she would poke her cutie face in front of me and asked “what”? When I asked her something she didn’t understand and pretend not to understand, she would also say “what”? This time, with a blur look on her face.

When I asked her to do something which she doesn’t want to, her standard answer is “wait, later.” Shower time when she was watching tv is a “wait, later.”, sleeping time when she was playing with her brother is also a “wait, later.”

Guess what would immediately catch her attention and her answer would be “yes”? The answer? “Do you want ice cream.” ;-p

How to Help Your Children Develop a Positive Outlook on Life

Posted on 12/12/2009 by GenZ Daddy

When you equip your children a positive outlook, you’re setting them up for a happy and successful life.

Don’t believe me?

Well, who do you think would be most successful?

a) The person who believes he can achieve anything, become whomever he wants, and follows up with swift action, or: 
b) The person who complains about anything, is indifferent about everything, and gets nothing done out of feelings of hopelessness.

Obvious, huh?

You see, children have such an amazing ability to learn. They’re babies one day, and the next they’re learning language and life skills at a rate much faster than any adult can. This gives us, as parents, a very important and sometimes overwhelming duty: to teach our children every day.

There are many things you can do each day to foster a positive outlook in your kids, but having a positive outlook yourself is the most important thing you can do to help your children grow. Let them know they make a positive difference in your life and love them unconditionally.

Keep the following tips in mind to help your children develop a positive outlook:

1. Lead by example. From a young age, your children pick up on more than you know. While you may live by the notion that you should always put your kids first, you also have to concentrate on your own self-development. Because, when you think positively, so will your kids.

2. Watch your reactions. Just as with leading by example, you must watch your reactions, especially when things go awry. If someone gets hurt or you learn some bad news, fight the urge to have a negative reaction. If you yell or outwardly worry, you’ll affect your children.

* Teach your children that sometimes things don’t go our way, but eventually the tides will turn.

3. Find the silver lining in challenges. As your children learn and develop, they’ll be faced with all sorts of challenges. Some of them will be easy, while others are more challenging. Be sure to point out the silver lining in any challenge your child may be facing. It’ll help them to see your point of view when they’re facing challenges alone.

4. Help them change their thinking. When you’re child is in the midst of a tough challenge, he may bring up the idea of giving up. Do your best to bring wisdom to the situation to know when your child simply needs to be pushed further. Perhaps there’s an angle to the problem that your child hasn’t tried yet.

* Nudge them in the right direction until they find the success they seek.

5. Promote laughter. Laughter breeds happiness and positive feelings. Your children will each have a unique sense of humor. Play into your child’s humorous side by promoting situations that your child finds funny.

* You can play games, go to shows, or simply have a good time together as a family.

A Happy Healthy Home

When you remember to treat your children in a calm and loving manner, they’ll be more likely to do the same. If your child tends to panic, don’t scold them for this behavior. Put them at ease as best as you can and show them that there’s a solution to their problem. If you panic, the situation may spiral into an unhealthy cycle.

In the end, there’s no right or wrong way to raise your kids. Do what’s best for your family in the way you know how. When you maintain a happy and healthy home, your children will learn to have hope and think positively!

Banding in Primary School

Posted on 08/12/2009 by GenZ Mom

After streaming in primary school has been scraped, primary schools band their students based on their abilities and results at year end. For my son’s school, there’s no banding in Primary 1 & 2. Banding starts when they are promoted to Primary 3. What the school does was to place the best 40 students in 1 class and the next 40 in the 2^nd class. Rest of students will be of mix caliber. From then on, students would be “classified” based on their final year results. As such, for example, if you are in the 1^st class in Primary 3 but your overall position is no. 90 in school, you would be demoted to a “mix ability” class. I can’t help but question “would the child’s confidence level and morale be affected?”

Frankly, I’m not sure if this is a good way of “classifying” the students. The teacher also pre-warned the parents before the school reopens that because the children are the “best” in their level, they would be “drilled” to do better. My son commented that his class was too competitive and some of his classmates are very proud because they think they are the best. Some of these students even called those who didn’t score more than 90 marks for their test / exams “stupid”. Is that what the school aim to achieve? In addition, I felt that the students in the top two classes are placed with lots of unnecessary stress and pressure. Is the school concentrating too much on their best students and “ignore” the rest?

While I understand that every school wishes to produce good results students especially top students in PSLE, shouldn’t we remember what is the main purpose of educating these children?

To Cane or not to Cane?

Posted on 25/11/2009 by GenZ Mom

I have never once, not even now, use a cane on my 9 years old Genz Kid. When he misbehaves, I would just have to raise my voice slightly and he would be know it’s “time out” and behave himself.

However, with my 2½ years old Genz Kid, it’s hard to discipline her and she is always testing my limit. I tried talking to her nicely, raising my voice, scolding her, using my hand to beat her palm… but none of these seem to work on her. She is very cheeky and she would inch a little every time to “test the water” and see how far she can go before the limit is reached.

Let me share with you an example, she was jumping down the sofa when I told her to stop. I told her it was dangerous and she might hurt herself. She paused, looked at me, smiled, climbed up the sofa and jumped again. I raised my voice; she paused, looked at me, smiled, climbed up the sofa and jumped again. I get my cane, and she feels that I’m not serious and did what she have done again … this went on until I caned her once on her leg. She stopped the act (mind you, she didn’t cry at all) and told me, “Mommy, stop it. It’s painful!” I told her I would not have caned her if she had listened to me earlier. Since she stopped the act, I kept my cane. Guess her next move, she went to the fridge and asked for “Yakult”. The best part was when daddy reached home from work; she went to “complain” to her daddy that Mummy caned her because she was naughty! Nothing can stop her mischief act except for the cane. Having the sight of it won’t work; she needs to “feel” it before she stops.

I am not an advocate of using cane but I am really at a loss. I’m not sure what else I can do to discipline her. Sigh !!!!

Fostering a Loving Relationship with Your Children

Posted on 24/11/2009 by GenZ Daddy

Having a loving relationship with your children is a beautiful thing. However, it may not always come easily because children express love in their own unique way. You love your children very much, so it’s important to learn each child’s unique and preferred ways of communicating love.

Determine Your Child’s “Love Language”

The best way to make your child feel loved and safe is to discover how they would like to be loved and go with their preference.

This may not be the same way that you like to be loved yourself:

* Many children enjoy “feeling” and desire lots of hugs and kisses.
* Some children are more “hearing” oriented and want to hear how much you love them.
* Others want to “see” expressions of your love through cards, notes, or other visual means.
* Some want you nearby at all times, while others are happiest with their independence.

Listen To Your Children

There are many things to keep in mind as you strengthen your relationship with your children, but perhaps the most important is the fact that you need to let your children become independent and find their true selves.

You’ll want to give your children your attention while, at the same time, allowing them freedom. You can do this by allowing them to spend time with their friends, but make sure you schedule a regular get together at your own house so you can remain involved.

While it’s critical to let them know your feelings on important subjects, at the same time be sure to value your child’s opinion also. They need to have their say, too! This means that you need to trust your kids and believe that they’ll make good decisions.

Understanding Your Children

You may not remember what it was like to go through the same stages your children are going through, however, it’s important to at least try to understand their underlying thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and beliefs.

Here are some communication tips:

* Get down on the child’s level – talk with them and not down to them.
* Really listen to what they’re saying.
* Don’t judge them – you can help them through problems without passing judgment.
* Be sympathetic – tell them about a time when you faced a similar problem.

Spend Time with Your Children

While there are different love languages that you can use to express love with your children, spending time with your kids is a part of all of them. Whether you’re simply engaging in everyday activities or you’re going on an exciting adventure, treasure each moment with your child!

If you have more than one child, it’s important to spend individual time with each of them. Children need to feel special and, by giving your individual attention, it shows them your love.

The Teenage Years

When your kids grow into their teenage years, it can prove to be a difficult time. Teens sometimes withdraw and decide to spend more time with friends rather than family. However, there are still strategies you can follow to continue a loving relationship.

Here are some things to remember:

* Allow your teenager privacy. Trust your teen if you have no reason to do otherwise.
* Treat him like an adult as often as possible, but maintain the parent/child connection.
* Have dinner together every day.

When you have dinner together as a family, it’s quality time. You can use this time to keep in touch with their lives, hopes and aspirations. Teens and other family members can get busy and it’s important to have those windows into their lives every day. Frequent communication is a key to any loving relationship.

Use these tips to foster the type of relationship you’ve always wanted with your children and enjoy the benefits for the rest of your life!

Sex Education – when?

Posted on 13/11/2009 by GenZ Mom

Sex Education, when is the right age to start?

I was caught by surprise and didn’t know what to do when my 9 year old Genz Kid asked me a few “sex” related questions recently.

While walking to a bus stop, we saw two teenage girls hugging and kissing each other lips to lips in public and my Genz Kid asked, “Mummy, what are they doing? Why do they kiss each other?” I was like “Errr…” and then speechless. I really do not know how to answer him. If you do, please let me know.

On another occasion, the mobile TV on a public bus we were travelling was showing a drama series. In the show, a man has AIDS and there he goes again, “what is AIDS and how does he get infected with it? Will I get AIDS too? Is it like H1N1?” I am speechless. Am I suppose to tell him that one of the main reason people get HIV virus is when they have sex with an infected person so it’s safer if one only have one sex partner? If I do, I bet the next question from him would be “what is sex?” …. To save me from the awkward situation, it was our stop soon and I told him, “time to get down the bus.” He didn’t prompt further after we alighted from the bus so I go “PHEW”!

Now I’m seriously thinking whether we should teach our kids what sex education is about. However, even if we do, how should we start and when is the right time?

Oh yes, before I forget, there is something I think all parents should talk to their children on, i.e. certain body parts of ours are private and shouldn’t be touch by others. For boys, its penis and for girls, they are breast and virgina. I remembered this incident when Genz Kid was in K1, his school principal told me that one of the K1 students like to caress a female teacher’s breast. It was an innocent act of course, but the female teacher was quite embarrassed by the act. The principal then told all parents to cultivate the ideas to their children that certain parts of the body are private and shouldn’t be touched by others, which include children.

News articles on sex education: http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090601-145319.html http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090601-145317.html http://www.asiaone.com/News/Education/Story/A1Story20090601-145319.html

A good resource article for your pleasure reading: http://www.essortment.com/family/parentingadvice_smpl.htm

8 Ways to Foster a Joy of Learning in Your Children

Posted on 08/11/2009 by GenZ Daddy

When you foster the love of learning in your children, you set them up for a lifetime of happiness and success. Children are born with a drive to learn and explore the world around them, and parents have the ability to nudge them in the direction of continuous learning.

Your ultimate goal as a parent should be to discover your child’s preferred method of learning. You can do this by encouraging them to pursue hobbies that they find exciting and enriching. You also need to maintain the wisdom to know when your children might need an extra push in a certain area or whether they need to change their course entirely.

Consider some of these simple strategies to foster a joy of learning:

1. Reading Stories. Your children are never too young to enjoy a story. Start reading to them when they’re babies and you’ll foster a lifetime of love for the subject. When it comes to reading, as long as they keep practicing the skill they’ll keep getting better at it. Encourage your children to read more, regardless of their age or topic of interest, as long as it’s age-appropriate.

2. Get Excited About New Things. It’ll help if you maintain a certain excitement about the things your child discovers. When they’re babies, cheer when they learn to walk or roll over. Cheer as they learn to ride bikes. Continue to show excitement every time they start something new.

3. Be Inspired Yourself. It’s important to remain inspired and continue to go after your own wants and dreams. In life you never stop learning. If your children see your personal love of learning, they’ll be inspired, too.

4. Give Your Child a Choice. While you don’t have to allow your child to do whatever they want, you can still give them a choice in what they’d like to pursue. When children have a choice, they feel like what they think makes a real difference, and it does! Let them choose their own books, hobbies, and so on.

5. Stay Involved with School. Make sure you stay on top of the topics that your children are learning in school. You kids will like the attention and they’ll appreciate that you’re involved in their life. You can go over assignments at home or you can even have frequent meetings with your child’s teachers.

6. Field Trips. Maybe your children will be scheduled to go on field trips with their school. If not, you can always create your own field trips for afternoons and weekends. Schedule field trips that pertain to your child’s personal interests. They will certainly be inspired to learn more and you’ll still be personally involved in their lives.

7. Show Your Support. It’s always important to show your children support no matter what. Even if they’ve chosen a subject to pursue that you don’t enjoy, as long as it’s appropriate, it’s important to be there for your child. If they suspect that you’re unhappy with their personal decisions, they may be less likely to continue with their studies.

8. Provide Resources. While you may not always have a great deal of cash available for your children’s hobbies, it’s a good idea to provide them with the necessary resources to allow them to fully pursue their interests. When they’re toddlers and young children, it can mean just providing them educational and age appropriate toys. It may be more of a financial burden when they’re older because you may need to invest in advanced training or camps.

You really only want what’s best for your children. You’ll soon realize that as long as you remain loving and accepting, your children will continue to come to you for guidance and advice. When you start learning with them while they’re young, fostering a love of learning will come naturally.

Exams Over, Fun is In

Posted on 31/10/2009 by GenZ Mom

Hoo….ray… FINALLY, exams are over and play is in for my 9 years old genz kid.

My 9 years old genz kid told me that he is the happiest human being on earth now. While I’m typing this post, he is happily playing his DS besides me. Tomorrow he will have fun exploring his new xbox game, Halo 3 ODST, with his daddy.

I am so delighted to see my genz kid so happy and I’m definitely also relieved myself that the exams are over. In fact, I am so relieved that I decided to give myself a little “treat”– a good karaoke session with my friends that evening.

Oh, did I mention that we will be going to Hong Kong for a short trip during this school holiday? While my two genz kids are looking forward to their trip to DisneyLand, I am looking forward to haunt down all the “good and nice” eating places in Hong Kong. I have compiled a list of “where to eat / good food” in Hong Kong that genz dad commended that my main and only purpose of this upcoming trip is to just “EAT” ;-p If any of you are happen to be going to Hong Kong during this school holiday too and share the same passion in food like me, I would be more than happy to share with you my list but just a note of disclaimer – the list was compiled based on information provided by my friends who have been to Hong Kong (some many years back) so the places / stalls they’ve mentioned might not be there any more.

So …. Bye bye exams! Hong Kong here we come !!!!!

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